The Mirrored Path

In life, our first touchstone of identity is the behavior of those around us. As we learn and grow in infancy we understand the world first by the reaction of our parents to our cries. Are our needs met quickly? Does anybody care what I want and need? How important am I relative to the other demands of life? These formative experiences provide the foundation of our self-concept and attachment style. They temper our innate personalities with the realities of daily life.

In adolescence it is our peers whose opinions form the basis of our budding identities. We seek likeminded others who enjoy the same music and movies, share our struggles, and reflect our general outlook. Once a group identity is formed, deviation is frowned upon and causes incredible discomfort and embarrassment. Just ask any teenager who likes a musician not approved of by their friends.

Upon reaching adulthood, fitting in stops being the most important thing. We want to stand out! Being better looking increases our chances of finding a partner. Outperforming others at work raises our odds of getting promoted. Having more money, a better sense of style, and exotic experiences allows us to amass social capital and build our reputation as someone worth knowing.

The older we get, the less we defer to group dynamics and popular consensus. The question increasingly becomes just how to determine if we are on the right track? “What is best for me and my family?” is more important than “What will people think of me?” We learn to define our own goals and, assuming we are reasonably healthy and well adjusted, we learn to view the disapproval of others with skepticism. The shame and embarrassment of standing alone becomes less catastrophic. Carl Jung would say we are individuating.

The fact of the matter is that the older I get, the less other people’s expectations for my life apply. I am more unique and better informed about myself than I was ten years ago. If all goes well, in ten years, I will say the same. Blind deference to the opinions of others is no longer a formula for success. But the feedback must come from somewhere.

Fortunately, there is information to be gathered about myself throughout the whole of each new day. When I meet someone and instantly dislike them, it may be that I am seeing something I dislike about myself; something I am working hard to avoid seeing now reflected back to me by another person. Or maybe I see them excelling at something I’ve given lip service to but never truly pursued with the level of sacrifice needed to achieve. That will make a person crazy too.

When I feel I am being walked on and taken advantage of by others, it may be a sign that I may lack the backbone to speak up and self-advocate. If I find myself mistrustful of someone, I can ask if I have been dishonest myself. If the answer is “no” then why am I keeping someone I don’t trust in my life? What do I gain?

We do not judge the world based on the reality of a situation, but by the stories we tell ourselves about those events. Life is a process of participatory interpretation. We can only understand others’ behavior by what we can imagine for ourselves. So, if others are inconsiderate, it is because we could only act that way if we did not consider others. If those around us are untrustworthy, we may be acting in a way that tells those who can’t be trusted that they are safe with us.

This line of thinking demands accountability and ownership. Many people are unwilling to work on themselves enough to admit when they are wrong, much less change their attitudes and behaviors. It is my experience that the world in which I live is constantly telling me all about how I am showing up.

Life is a mirrored path that reflects my image back to me in every experience and interaction. Today, I like what I see. How about you?