Radically Myself

I spent a lot of time in life trying to figure out who or what to be. The effort I put into trying to feel like others looked has been immense. I have never been able to act extemporaneously the way most folks seem able to do in public. Conversations with strangers, particularly those about trivial daily matters, have always been physically painful for me. I can engage in them for a time, but it leaves me physically and emotionally exhausted and it’s only a matter of time before I have to go be alone and recharge.

When taken to the extreme I am left in a near catatonic state that requires several days of rest and isolation to recover from, so you can imagine the vicious cycle it creates when I am forced to engage for a period of days or weeks in a row, as I was in undergrad, before I learned that it was ok to just go to school to learn; that I did not need to participate in conversation with every familiar face I passed. The pressure to perform has lessened over the years, partly because of age and wisdom, but mostly because my wife has helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me and that “Just do better” is not an effective strategy for life.

Today I do not perform like I used to. I have my own permission to be who I am. I may not be without flaws, but I am perfect. I am certainly capable of improving, but I am exactly the way I need to be to be helpful to those around me. My perspective and my skills add value in both personal and professional life. My strengths offset others’ weaknesses and my areas of weakness leave room for others to shine. I don’t have to be all things to all people at all times as I used to believe. I just have to be myself with you right now. The boldest step I take each day is to be radically myself.